"Christ is worth all, or He is worth nothing." -George Whitefield
It has been quite some time since I made my last blog post. Actually, it has been about 6 months I believe.
Yes, life happens and people get busy and I can spit out that excuse as much as I want, but I don't think that is the only reasoning for this time away. I have not felt an ounce of creativity in about 4 months. I became so busy that I forgot what my true passions are. Including church.
Most of you know that I was an intern for over a year with my home church and then I got a new job which later turned into an even newer job. With this new job came a lot of stress, I love my job, but my job is very stressful and hard to get away from even after I came home for the day.
I work first shift, therefore, I have not been able to make it to church consistently in over three months. This is coming from someone who spent almost every ounce of their time in church and with their church family. To say the least, it took a big toll on me.
Growing up and in high school, I never thought that I had to go to church consistently every Sunday in order to have a good relationship with God (for some people, that works and that is totally okay). My relationship with God was personal and I liked to keep it to myself for the most part. However, once I started going to church I had realized that that mindset was very wrong for me. Once you find your home church and your church family, the mindset of going to church because you feel like you have to immediately disintegrates and goes away.
I was very active in my church, teaching in the children's ministry with my boyfriend, sitting in for the message consistently for over two years and even being on staff for over a year. Once, I was unable to, my thoughts and mentality started to shift and I slowly started to let go of the positive and joyful person that I was to someone who was consistently anxious and tired all the time. It wasn't only because of not going to church, but I had also put my relationship with God on the back burner and only using Him when I needed Him. I hadn't completely lost myself, but I was going down that road. It took, not only a toll on me, but a toll in my personal life, my friendships, and relationship with my boyfriend as well.
They teach us in church that our relationship with God is a rollercoaster. There are highs and lows, I was about to be in my lowest of lows if something didn't change.
There was a decision that I had made that I won't completely elaborate on in this post or online because it is very personal and private, but in this decision I had made it left me with a choice. The choice that I made in choosing myself is what ended up saving me. I had let go of so many things that had made me happy because of the "grass is greener" mentality that had begun to develop. But that is not what I believe or have ever believed. I always believed that the grass is greener where you water it, therefore, I began to water my grass.
There was a shift in leadership and administration within my job that resulted in the changing of our work schedules. I had been praying for Sundays off for a very long time, and when our schedules changed I ended up with the schedule that I had been praying for. God knew what I needed and this was it. More time to spend with Matt (the boyfriend) and my church family. To continue to pour into the healthy friendships that I had grown away from and a chance for Matt and I to grow in our relationship together and closer to God together, which is something we have not been able to pour into in a very long time. Matt has been consistent in going to church and in teaching, but I was unable to be with him because I was working.
Today, however, I attended church. You wouldn't believe the smile I had on my face this morning knowing I was going back to my favorite place and being able to see some of my favorite people. Even more so, I felt like the message spoken today was crafted just for me. We started on a series called, "We Are Family." This series will focus on how to grow and build your family and relationships based on your foundation in the Lord. Today, the Pastor spoke on common fights within families and relationships and transitioned into the topic of forgiveness. The Pastor's wife led us into releasing bitterness in our lives for the people who have hurt us or even bitterness against ourselves. She told us to picture that person's face, and when I closed my eyes I was looking into a mirror. I shed a tear and let that person go.
For the past couple of weeks, the person that I had lost in anxiety and exhaustion has slowly started to come back to me. My friendships are rebuilding and my relationship has been better than it was before. I have taken time to look up at the sky and deep within the stars, then look around me and see how much God has blessed my life. It has been fun seeing how things are being rebuilt on the Rock that is God and I can't help but be filled with joy even more. Not to say that things will always be positive and good because trials will come, but I think now I will be better equipped on how to handle them.
"The resurrected King is resurrecting me," has never rang more true than it is now. There is a lot of healing and growth to be done, but I am looking forward to seeing how God will work in me and work in my life over the course of this new but definitely needed shift in my time.
XX,
Just Jenny
P.S. I would like to thank Matt for supporting my writing again and his overall support in general, without it I don't know where I would be <3
